I threw my back out putting on my clothes after a shower today

The gif is basically me for the last week

The fall of the Berlin Wall, the space shuttle Challenger disaster, the Chernobyl meltdown, and Iran Contra all are closer to the release date for Wake Me Up When September Ends that it is to today.

If you were 23 in 2004 you should get a colonoscopy scheduled

Alcohol wipes on my ass!?

That’s gonna burn the shit out of my hemorrhoids, no thank you!

How else am I going to clean the phone after using it while I shit? That’s dirty

Next you’ll be telling me I should use a bidet instead of cleaning my ass with the shower wand.

There was a real missed opportunity to have a picture of Jason Alexander (who was in his 30’s during most of Seinfeld’s production) instead of James Gandolfini.

Still true tho

I’m glad you posted your original comment. I tend to be pretty tongue-in-cheek, both online and IRL. Sorry if it comes off as abrasive, in my mind it’s all in good fun. Love you and hope you have a fantastic day <3

One small correction. The CIA investigates “foreign” actors, generally outside US borders, but sometimes within as well. FBI investigates “domestic” actors.

For a more in-depth exploration Will Smith made a documentary about this subject in 1998

This is a very good point. In rebuttal

A. I did say “a suitable habitat”

B. I was very clearly shitposting

You’ve considered a capitalist solution, but have you considered

Restorative justice: the spider is a trespasser, but will likely not find enough prey to survive. Capture the spider and relocate it to a suitable habitat where it can thrive. Check on it occasionally to ensure it is doing well

Libertarian anarchism: leave it be. It will die, survive, or thrive on its own terms

Authoritarianism: tell the spider if it doesn’t remove itself it will be arrested, start ordering it to get on the ground, fire 13 rounds at it, preferably missing all shots but hitting a nearby toddler. Institute martial law against the “foreign threat”, citing the recent death of a toddler

Fair point, yeah

Locksmith here. I’m also in a state with these laws, and on top of that there is no licensing for locksmiths. I’m an ALOA member now, but when I first started I would carry a card for my friend’s lock shop. I figured I’d I ever was stopped and searched I could at least present the card as part of a broader plausible deniability. Similar to your acrylic lock. If you have a locksmith shop in your area, grab one of their cards and keep it in your purse. Ideally in your lockpick set if it’s large enough.

Also, a PSA. “Officer safety” does not trump the fourth amendment. If an officer orders you to let them search your purse for “officer safety”, anything found that isn’t related to the safety of the officer is out of bounds legally. That’s an argument for court tho. Make sure that they clearly state they are ordering you to have over your purse/bag/backpack/whatever. If they say “I’m asking you to”, that’s not an order. Saying something like, “With all due respect, I’m not surrendering my fourth amendment rights. If you order me to do something I will comply, and we can argue in court later. I want us both to get home safe tonight.” This shows you’re not volunteering to hand over your stuff, but you’re not resisting, hampering, or obstructing either. It’s a lot to remember, but “is that an order?” Is a great question to ask anytime a cop tells you something

Mmmm, that’s a keming issue

Here’s a fun exercise.

If a person is driving a vehicle that has truck nuts, there is a high probability they are a inbred fascist hillbilly MAGAt.

If you get the chance to talk to the driver of said vehicle, congratulate them on helping their truck transition to male, and thank them for supporting trans rights. Immediately exit the Lowe’s parking lot, letting them stew on what you just said

(Caution: There is a >0% chance you will be assaulted for doing this. That likelihood increases proportionate to the amount of beard and body fat you do not possess)

Yeah those cases are sad. I tend to just say my prices really high, and if they persist in wanting me to come out I suddenly don’t have availability because of the “big government project” I’ve been hired to do. Even if they were worth the trouble of all the follow-up “someone broke in, you have to fix my locks” calls that inevitably come, I couldn’t in good conscience take their money.

Last time it happened a lady wanted me to install Schlage Primus deadbolts on her house because her neighbor was “breaking in and moving things to mess with me”. I gave her a quote that was 5x higher than it should have been. I kid you not, she said, “Okay, but I’ll have to wait a couple of weeks to get the money. My husband said I couldn’t change the locks anymore and that this is all in my head.” Poor lady. I saved her number so I wouldn’t forget if she called again, but I never heard from her. Hopefully she got the help she needed, but probably she got divorced and is living on the streets.

These aren’t secrets, but may not be well known (unless you watch LPL):

Sentry Safes aren’t safes, they are fire boxes with a fancy lock.

High security locks are not high security because of the lock design, but because the keys are very difficult to have duplicated.

No one (except maybe intelligence agencies) breaks in to a house by picking a lock, especially in the US. Windows, weak door frames, and, in a pinch, making a hole in the wall are all faster ways of getting in.

Car keys are so expensive because many manufacturers charge a subscription or per-use fee to access and program the keys to the ignition. These costs are passed on to consumers

No one is picking your locks just to move things around or steal small, insignificant items. You are either suffering from a mental disorder or a trusted member of the household is gaslighting you (it’s not gaslighting though, you’re your grasp of reality is slipping. Don’t call me for a pick proof lock, just get help please)

Some manufacturers (you know, in China) will put any sticker you want on the products they produce, including UL and ANSI stickers. Before buying a product that is supposedly fire-rated, such as a fire safe, check the UL website to verify the item is actually listed with them.

“Grade 1” door hardware sold in stores like Lowe’s or Home Depot is, at best, Grade 2, and is likely Grade 3 (residential grade). These grades are really just about how durable the product is over time, and how much abuse they will endure by the public.

And just a little practical advice. Find a qualified, honest locksmith before you need one. We’re like plumbers. If you wait until you have an emergency to find one, the quality will be questionable. There are a lot of scammers out there. If you don’t have a resource for locksmiths beyond Google, look on the ALOA website for members in your area. The good ones will know who the other good ones are, and won’t be shy about sharing that info if they are unavailable or too far away